From Azkaban
by WRE
Summary: Another dire songfic by me! (Damn it, these things never end...) It's Sirius's point of view, before he has any hope of escaping. He tries to keep hoping, and not to lose his mind as those around him have done.


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Woohoo! Another Enya song! (I like Enya) So anyway, here it is. It is, je pense, pretty dire.

Cold as the northern winds

In December mornings

Cold is the cry that rings

From this far distant shore

I am cold. Cold physically, and cold inside. I do not believe I have feelings any more. If I let myself feel the things I know I should be feeling, I am sure I would be dead. I wonder if I am insane. I should be. I should be insane, I should have lost my mind like all the others, the ones who scream and shriek in their sleep, chilling me to the bone, making me shudder. I am scared. I wonder if I cry out in my sleep too.

But this does not feel like madness. It feels like all hope has gone, it feels like I am cut off from everything and everyone forever. It feels worse than anything I could ever have imagined, but it does not feel like madness.

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Winter has come too late

Too close beside me

How can I chase away

All these fears deep inside

A life sentence. I am here forever for a horrific crime. I did not do what they say I did. I tell myself every day. I am innocent, I do not deserve this. Perhaps someone will know it, one day. It scares me, it sickens me to think of what I have been accused of. I am not evil. I did not do it. I did not kill all those people. I do not follow Voldemort. I hate Voldemort! He killed my best friends!

Forever is a long time. I imagine, sometimes, the world I left behind, the life I was forced to abandon. I wish I did not have to think about it. It is too far too reach, too close to forget. And maybe I would be better off dead than without hope.

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I'll wait, the signs to come

I'll find a way

I will wait, the time to come

I'll find a way home

But I have not lost my mind, not yet. There must be a way. There is a way and I will find it. The time will come and I will go home.

I am fooling myself. Disillusioned. But I like pretending it will be alright.

I do not let myself know that I will die here, that I will never leave. I have no hope. 

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My light shall be the morn

And my path the ocean

My guide the morning star

As I sail home to you

In the morning there will be hope. Every day I wake up, almost able to conceive that an end to this is near. I look over the ocean. I do not see its beauty, for from here I cannot but on the horizon I can almost see another place. A place where I once was, and where I will be again. 

Perhaps I am losing my mind after all. I must be mad to think that anything is possible now. 

Well at least I can change, become the huge beast that is part of me. I feel less then, I know less. I hurt less. I despair less. 

Perhaps that has stopped me losing my mind. I am starting to think it would be good to get away, to exchange my pain for glorious insanity. But I must not. I must focus. I have a goal, and that is freedom. It is a star I will follow, you might say. 

I look at the stars sometimes, at night. They have not changed. They are eternal, to our perception. I used to see them when I was free. I see them now. A silent link to the outside world. Escape is possible, I sometimes think momentarily, before wondering again if my mind has gone.

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I'll wait the signs to come

I'll find a way

I will wait the time to come

I'll find a way home

For now I will wait. Surely a time will come when my hope is not a fakery. I will have hope, something will give me hope and I will wait for it. If it does not come, it does not come. But I will not spend forever here.

They take hope, they take happiness. But they will not take me. They will not destroy who I am.

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Who then can warm my soul

Who can quell my passion

Out of these dreams a boat

I will sail home to you

There is nothing here that tells me to go on, nothing that says do not give up. And there is nothing that can stop me trying, nothing that can prevent me from longing for freedom. It may be just a dream but one day it will be a reality. I will leave this place forever. I will get out.


End file.
